Here we are, Goody Two Shoes and the Filthy Beast, in 1979.
If you're around someone long enough you'll eventually see and hear things that'll stop you in your tracks. In the case of the latter, my wife...a.k.a. Goody Two Shoes...has snapped off some real beauties over the last 28 years.
I've never known another person with a greater talent for taking the English language and rewriting it. Her little phrases come out sounding completely backwards. She always says they make sense to her. And her gift for twisting the Queen's English is also matched by a wacky sense of humor that cracks me up almost daily. But make no mistake; for as silly as she can be, she's a smart lady. Hey, she married me after all.
Most of her little gems are lost to time, but over the last five or six years I've begun to write down some her better ones. So here goes. I'll try and explain them as we go along. My the Lord have mercy on my memory.
'There's grammar, then there's talking grammar.' How true...in her case.
'It's the best time we ever missed.' We had plans to go somewhere--can't remember where now--but we got side tracked and did something else instead.
'If I knew it was a race I would have tried harder.' We were working around the house and I got done first. Ta da!
'Ignoring is not being ignorant.' I'm just as confused now as when she said it.
'The longer you live with me the smarter you'll get.' The jury is still out on this one.
'The amount of mud on you is not a measure of the fun you’ve had.' We went out to cut a Christmas tree at a local tree farm about three years ago and had to go through some pretty deep mud to get to where the trees were. I had a blast, slipping and sliding, but not the Little Woman--she was convinced we were going to die any minute. Looking at the photos we took that day I looked at my 1998 GMC Jimmy and commented that we didn't have as much fun as I thought cause we hardly got any mud up on the fenders. Hearing this, my wife snaps off this little gem.
'Get it right what I was wrong about.' I was reminding her of something she had done a while back and wasn't getting it quite right and she put me in my place.
'Sometimes perception is good for your mental state.' I guess that's so.
'I don’t want to do something without knowing I’m doing it.' On why she doesn't drink.
'We’re two individually different people.'
'Life’s too short to be in that much of a hurry.'
'Ding dong, stupid person that you are!' She was mad at me at the time.
'You’re always thinking about thoughts.' Yep, that's me.
'There’s no fair fighting between a man and a woman.' How true, how true!
'I like being just who I am; anonymous.' One reason I love her so much.
'You’re not nobody; you’re just not anybody.' She's talking about me.
'If you don’t ask you shouldn’t care what you get.' She asked what I wanted for dinner one night and I said I didn't care. I then had the nerve to act surprised when I sat down to eat.
'I can’t find something I’m looking for.'
'If I remember to do any of it, I’ll do it all.'
'Fluffered.' She was mad at me, again, and tried to say flustered.
'We ain’t been just married.' She was referring to our 28 years of wedded bliss. I laughed so hard I nearly peed myself.
'Quit laughing at me, I didn’t know how to say it.' This came on the heels of her 'We ain't just been married crack,' and my laughing fit.
'I was right about one thing, maybe I’ll be right about that.' No idea what she was talking about.
'Everything I didn’t learn I learned from my husband.' Her way of saying I'm an idiot.
'You’re not then and I’m not now.' I'm just as confused as you are about this one.
'I’m gonna kick you so hard your teeth are gonna bleed.' Yep, she was mad at me again.
'I’m not that into beauty that I give myself pain.' On why she doesn’t pluck her eyebrows. Then she added, 'I colored my hair, what more do you want?'
'You want to hear me gesture or see me gesture.' To which I said, 'you can’t hear a gesture.' And she said, 'you can if words accompany it!' Yes, she was mad at me again.
'I was changing my clothes and I haven’t gotten around to it yet.' Said half an hour after she'd gone upstairs to change. Pay attention guys! This why they're always late!
'Once you come without your pillow, you never come without it again.' If we're gonna stay overnight somewhere she always takes her pillow.
'Things I haven’t thought out yet.' Don't ask me, I'm still scratching my head over that one.
'If Clinton can interpret the English language his way so can I.' An even better defense than 'they make sense to me.
'You’re dumber than I am sometimes, and that’s saying something.' She was referring to me.
'Nothing sounds like life in the country more than the sound of a screen door opening and closing.' Sometimes she snaps off a beauty. I told you she was smart.
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